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… this is from a woman who has been there as a child …
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… this is NOT my opinion!!!! .
Dear Gay Community: Your Kids Are Hurting
Gay community, I am your daughter. My mom raised me with her same-sex partner back in the ā80s and ā90s. She and my dad were married for a little while. She knew she was gay before they got married, but things were different back then. Thatās how I got here. It was complicated as you can imagine. She left him when I was two or three because she wanted a chance to be happy with someone she really loved: a woman.
My dad wasnāt a great guy, and after she left him he didnāt bother coming around anymore.
Do you remember that book, āHeather Has Two Mommiesā? That was my life. My mom, her partner, and I lived in a cozy little house in the āburbs of a very liberal and open-minded area. Her partner treated me as if I was her own daughter. Along with my momās partner, I also inherited her tight-knit community of gay and lesbian friends. Or maybe they inherited me?
Either way, I still feel like gay people are my people. Iāve learned so much from you. You taught me how to be brave, especially when it is hard. You taught me empathy. You taught me how to listen. And how to dance. You taught me not be afraid of things that are different. And you taught me how to stand up for myself, even if that means I stand alone.
Iām writing to you because Iām letting myself out of the closet: I donāt support gay marriage. But it might not be for the reasons that you think.
Children Need a Mother and Father
Itās not because youāre gay. I love you, so much. Itās because of the nature of the same-sex relationship itself.
Itās only now, as I watch my children loving and being loved by their father each day, that I can see the beauty and wisdom in traditional marriage and parenting.
Growing up, and even into my 20s, I supported and advocated for gay marriage. Itās only with some time and distance from my childhood that Iām able to reflect on my experiences and recognize the long-term consequences that same-sex parenting had on me. And itās only now, as I watch my children loving and being loved by their father each day, that I can see the beauty and wisdom in traditional marriage and parenting.
Same-sex marriage and parenting withholds either a mother or father from a child while telling him or her that it doesnāt matter. That itās all the same. But itās not. A lot of us, a lot of your kids, are hurting. My fatherās absence created a huge hole in me, and I ached every day for a dad. I loved my momās partner, but another mom could never have replaced the father I lost.
I grew up surrounded by women who said they didnāt need or want a man. Yet, as a little girl, I so desperately wanted a daddy. It is a strange and confusing thing to walk around with this deep-down unquenchable ache for a father, for a man, in a community that says that men are unnecessary. There were times I felt so angry with my dad for not being there for me, and then times I felt angry with myself for even wanting a father to begin with. There are parts of me that still grieve over that loss today.
Iām not saying that you canāt be good parents. You can. I had one of the best. Iām also not saying that being raised by straight parents means everything will turn out okay. We know there are so many different ways that the family unit can break down and cause kids to suffer: divorce, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, death, etc. But by and large, the best and most successful family structure is one in which kids are being raised by both their mother and father.
Why Canāt Gay Peopleās Kids Be Honest?
Gay marriage doesnāt just redefine marriage, but also parenting. It promotes and normalizes a family structure that necessarily denies us something precious and foundational. It denies us something we need and long for, while at the same time tells us that we donāt need what we naturally crave. That we will be okay. But weāre not. Weāre hurting.
If anyone can talk about hard things, itās us.
Kids of divorced parents are allowed to say, āHey, mom and dad, I love you, but the divorce crushed me and has been so hard. It shattered my trust and made me feel like it was my fault. It is so hard living in two different houses.ā Kids of adoption are allowed to say, āHey, adoptive parents, I love you. But this is really hard for me. I suffer because my relationship with my first parents was broken. Iām confused and I miss them even though Iāve never met them.ā
But children of same-sex parents havenāt been given the same voice. Itās not just me. There are so many of us. Many of us are too scared to speak up and tell you about our hurt and pain, because for whatever reason it feels like youāre not listening. That you donāt want to hear. If we say we are hurting because we were raised by same-sex parents, we are either ignored or labeled a hater.
This isnāt about hate at all. I know you understand the pain of a label that doesnāt fit and the pain of a label that is used to malign or silence you. And I know that you really have been hated and that you really have been hurt. I was there, at the marches, when they held up signs that said, āGod hates fagsā and āAIDS cures homosexuality.ā I cried and turned hot with anger right there in the street with you. But thatās not me. Thatās not us.
I know this is a hard conversation. But we need to talk about it. If anyone can talk about hard things, itās us. You taught me that.
Heather Barwick was raised by her mother and her mother’s same-sex partner. She is a former gay-marriage advocate turned children’s rights activist. She is a wife and mother of four rambunctious kids.
