Today, a senior ISIS Public Retaliations Officer and the organisation’s Chief Torturer Abu-Hassan bin-harem announced that a new kind of warfare may soon be on our hands. “We have recently obtained a new type of weapon. Our Long-Acoustic Range Device (LARD) is capable of damage beyond anyone’s wildest imagination.” It has been confirmed that the militant group is referring to Nickelback’s new song titled Edge of a Revolution; a song so awful that it is crippling and at times even lethal.
A study conducted by Dr. Nell Anvoid of the University of Mississippi has shown that exposure to the song directly causes ear-bleeds, vomiting, and diarrhea as well as seizures within the first ten seconds of the song. Only animal testing has been conducted thus far, although there are no subjects surviving the entirety of the song.
“I mean, it’s literally the shittiest song on the whole entire planet. It’s completely unbearable and when in the wrong hands could lead to world-wide pandemonium,” said one expert.
World leaders are currently in talks with ISIS, offering $50 million dollars, as well as half of Turkey, to prevent the organisation from releasing any further snippets of the song. The UN is currently discussing sanctions against Canada for cultivating the illegal and atrocious disaster that is Nickelback, who are now posing a legitimate worldwide threat. The sanctions will be imposed as soon as the UN clears its docket of the 347 new sanctions against Israel.
