Ron Paul Endorses Ted Cruz for President

Former Congressman Says Rand Paul ‘Not a True Libertarian’

Early Wednesday morning, former Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) shocked the political world by endorsing Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) for President. The move is of marked significance, as Dr. Paul’s son Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is expected to announce his candidacy early next week.

The elder Paul quickly articulated the reasoning for his endorsement, stating that he had “read hundreds of Facebook and Reddit comments” which suggested that his son was a “neo-con establishment statist” and “not Ron Paul.” Ron Paul thereby used the articulate and well-reasoned opinions of these online libertarians to come to the realization that he could not endorse Rand Paul.

Dr. Paul went on to say that he knew all along that Rand was “not a true libertarian,” and that he can’t understand why Rand endorsed Mitt Romney in 2012 and Mitch McConnell in 2014. “It doesn’t make any sense to me,” said Ron Paul, “It’s almost as if he’s trying to create in-roads with leadership so that he can use their help in the future in order to advance a more libertarian agenda. But that can’t be it.”

Paul has expressed particular outrage that his son has not yet taken any action to eliminate public roads.

Said Paul, “All the while, these statists love their roads, and Rand hasn’t done a single thing about it! How are we supposed to be free when our commerce passageways are funded with blood money?!” When the interviewer inquired as to why this was a point of such significance when public roads are apparently a fairly minor infringement upon liberty which are almost universally approved of, Paul went on a minor tangent, mockingly repeating over and over, “Muh roads! Muh roads!”

The former Congressman also decried Senator Paul’s appearances at multiple Republican-hosted “Lincoln Day” dinners over the years, calling President Abraham Lincoln a “tyrant” and criticizing his decision to go to battle in the “War of Northern Aggression.” Paul went on to say that “no true libertarian” would ever attend such a gathering unless he were adorned with the Confederate flag.

After several hours of ranting on Rand Paul, Ron soon returned to his endorsement. “Ted who? Oh right. That’s why I’m endorsing Ted Cruz.” Paul cited Cruz’s staunch fiscal conservatism and devotion to the Constitution, saying that he is planning to soon launch his own “Libertarians for Ted Cruz” chapter in his former Congressional district. “Only Ted Cruz can continue my legacy of expanding our voter base without ever running the risk of victory,” said Paul, “If we have a libertarian President, what would we have to complain about?” Before the interviewer could interject, Paul answered his own question: “I’ll tell you what we’ll complain about. We’ll complain when they’re not libertarian enough!”

When reached for comment, Rand Paul expressed clear sadness that he would not be receiving his father’s endorsement. Senator Paul said that it had long been his desire to fool everyone in the libertarian movement into voting for him by introducing almost exclusively libertarian bills to the Senate floor, making mostly libertarian public policy statements and often differing from the Republican Party when it has not been libertarian enough.

“To be honest, what’s the point of running now?” said Senator Paul, “If I can’t just pretend to be libertarian, become President, and then ironically enact libertarian policies, I really have no reason to campaign.” The Senator stated that he thought he had tricked most people, and that he “would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those ingenious social media comments.”

The Senator should not worry too much, however, as his father also urged Ted Cruz supporters not to vote, as “that would violate the Non-Aggression Principle.”